Honestly, no one asked me, but I’m telling you anyway.

Sports Illustrated used to be something in its heyday. A weekly mailbox arrival that Hubs meticulously dug through and I occasionally perused because the feature writing was that good. In fact, it was in SI almost 33 years ago to the day that I read a magnificent piece which makes me cry merely thinking about it to this day (If you haven’t read “Pure Heart: The thrilling life and emotional death of Secretariat,” have a Kleenix handy just in case.).

For the most part, however, I ignored it until?

The annual swimsuit issue. You see, contrary to being intimidated or disgusted by the bevy of beauties cavorting about the Seychelles, Azores, Bahamas or wherever, my Marine Corps girlfriends and I – in the best shape we would ever be in in our lives, obviously – would go through that rag with a fine toothed comb. We’d nitpick at every suit, while gasping over prices light years beyond a military salary. No, we weren’t buying Kathy Ireland’s circa late-80s Gottex number at $149, but we knew there were similar styles accessible to our budget out there. Some of the suits were stunning, some were outlandish, and some were just plain trashy. Like any beach, right?

It was an inspiration piece, lots of opinions about what picture and who should have been on the cover, and a catty girlfriend good time with a men’s magazine.

SI’s Annual Swimsuit Issue now?

Okay, Martha Stewart looking completely glam. I can see it as an homage. But.

They’re featuring a marginally attractive, kinda pudgy GUY in make-up and a sequined top.

Sports Illustrated magazine features Transgender singer Kim Petras on the cover of the Swimsuit 2023 edition 👙 pic.twitter.com/eMy53FcOJV

— Oli London (@OliLondonTV) May 16, 2023

BARF

Some women might be making all the proper “so inclusive, so diverse” noises, but they aren’t buying this. Men sure aren’t. Did any women outside of the U.S. women’s soccer team and their parents ever buy this rag on a regular basis to begin with?

Considering it’s now a monthly vice weekly printing, that’s indicative of where their readership has been going. And readership still skews predominantly male, so…what’s with the faux woman push on top of a disastrous diversity and inclusion effort for all body types?

Last year a “writer at the intersection of sports and gender” penned a scathing op-ed for CNN that lit WNBA players up for appearing in the 2022 Swimsuit Issue. It boils down to “how DARE they appear in make-up, especially the gay women!”

…But while in theory their inclusion could be seen as progress, the glam shot aesthetics of the photos – and the WNBA’s language promoting the pictures – feels like a step backwards for the league’s image and branding.

…The photo seems jarring: All five players in the picture have been glammed up in a way that seems inconsistent with their usual off-the-court self-presentation. That’s particularly true for the out queer players in the group, Bird (typically femme-leaning, but unfussy) and Stewart (who favors more of a soft butch aesthetic).

Not only does that framing buy into century-old anxieties around women’s gender roles and presentation, but it’s a bizarre misstep for a league that has grown, since its inception, in terms of letting their players embrace a more diverse range of gender expressions.

Here’s my unsolicited Beege advice: You’re not making anyone happy with your virtue signaling except the people (I can’t even say “women” – is that not THE PROBLEM?!) who are actually in the issue. Sales HAVE to suck. If you have the money to burn, carry on.

If you are interested in “business,” bring the gorgeous girls back. Everybody wins, as everyone always bitched about “objectification” in any event, and even with lesbian basketball players included, they still do. Get my drift? You can’t win for losing, so stop being losers.

Bet you’d sell at least that issue again plus chalk a win up for REAL WOMEN.

Which brings me to beer. Cervesa.

I’m normally not that slow on the uptake, but honest to GOD, when I saw the Miller ad (David on it here) for the first time, I thought it was a parody.

I truly did.

It was so awfully made and woefully scripted – good grief. I knew it HAD to be a riff on the Bud Lite chick and her engineered woke disaster.

Only it wasn’t. It came out 3 weeks before all that went down.

The last thing anyone needs to see, at least any rational human being, is yet another tightly wound, upper-class Karen, marching forth with a sneer on her face, discarding memories in disgust, repeatedly spewing a single curse word as if she’s proving to her Mimi just how tough and naughty she can be while lecturing YOU on how ignorant you are that you thought bikinis and light beer kinda went together.

Well…don’t they?

OMG MEN ARE SCUM AND THIS IS THE SCUMMIEST OF BEERS $#!T $#!T $#!T

Okay. That should do wonders for sales.

That chick in the ad has a natural sort of menacing swagger to her hectoring nannyisms. I wonder if she learned that in acting school or…oh.

The women who come up with this crap all seem cut from the same mold, too. This particular advertising feminist wunderkind has since smoked her LinkedIn page, so I can’t see if she has the same sort of Harvard-Wharton-Groton-Middlebury muddled mindset that the BudLight genius did, but her work has all the earmarks for it.

The Gillette ad: created by a woman.

The BudLight ad: created by a woman.

The Miller Light ad: created by a woman.

Notice a pattern? 🤔🤔🤔 pic.twitter.com/VDT4iOlpZ8

— Peter Lloyd (@Suffragent_) May 16, 2023

This is where I’m confused about the campaign as a whole. Are they tacitly apologizing for advertising to men’s prurient tastes in an effort to persuade women to buy Miller Light? Or is it simply an apology in general?

I’m lost as to the focus of this rant through the gallery of girls.

If you wanted to pitch Miller Light – or Bud Light for that matter – why would you go about demeaning the buyers you already have (and I’m preaching to the choir here)?

My “If I Were King of Miller Marketing for a Day” Beege advice: Don’t show angry, bitching harridans who look like they just rolled off a “Sex in the City” set. What average woman relates to that?

Those women drank cosmos and wouldn’t buy a Miller Light to save their lives, EVER. Wouldn’t soil their hands with a can.

Do your “guy” commercials, but wrap some film around real women who like a brewski when they chill-out. Some of them can be pretty glamorous – I just grabbed a random sample of occupations from Twitter and look what I found.

For the first time in our department’s 165+ year history, an all female firefighter crew will staff an @STLFireDept engine house. #WomensHistoryMonth

Fire Private Elizabeth McCormick
Acting Fire Capt Licole McKinney
Fire Private Pamela Saunders
Acting Fire Capt Jessica Jackson pic.twitter.com/QnIpFNL2NT

— St. Louis Fire Dept (@STLFireDept) March 21, 2023

They’re dang sure more approachable from an advertising standpoint than the shrieking eel in that disaster of a Miller ad. There are so many accomplished women in this world.

🤣🤣 Tracie showing me how amazing her run was last night🤣🤣💀💀#rodeo #rodeotok #barrelracer #barrelracing #horse #horsesontiktok #horsesoftiktok #fyp #sonya7siii #chrisgoodenvisuals #tiktok pic.twitter.com/nytHfePSyI

— Chris Gooden Visuals (@CGoodenVisuals) May 10, 2023

Why one…well, I know why these women wouldn’t ask any of THESE women – they have no idea they exist.

May 16, 1923: Katherine Nelson is reported to be the only professional woman welder in the U.S. (likely an exaggeration since many women are known to have done welding work during WWI). The 30-year-old Jersey City, N.J., resident earns a handsome $30 a day. pic.twitter.com/2sjY0A03cR

— Jon Blackwell (This Day in 1923) (@100YearsAgoNews) May 16, 2023

All walks of life, and I’ll bet every girl on this boat is as woke as they come. but she gets dirty for a living and deals in fish guts.

Honoured to spend the day volunteering for three intelligent female marine scientists @bax_dr @MeganMShapiro and @RhianTaylor learning how sampling is approached in a different field 🐟

…and also sail with dolphins, penguins and albatross#eDNA #zooplankton #Falklandswaters pic.twitter.com/Zp43OJrc2z

— Katy Ross (@girl_in_a_bog) May 14, 2023

Again, if the aim of marketing is to make your product attractive enough to SELL it to someone…make it attractive.

Don’t make it mad, angry and ugly.

And don’t tell the customers you already have that they are.

Thanks for listening!