Last year, a friend with a daughter who was getting married went around and asked married couples if they had any useful advice she could pass on to the couple. Being a verbose creature by nature, I couldn’t just pass off a few quotes from Ben Franklin, so I sat down and composed some of what I’ve learned over the years in terms of maintaining a successful union. I’m speaking as an old geezer who can draw on the experiences of one very short, totally unsuccessful marriage and another that is approaching three decades that I thank God for each day. With that in mind, I decided to clean it up a bit and leave it here for the possible benefit of any young people preparing to tie the knot or relatives and friends of those who will soon do so.

Before the Wedding

So you’ve found The One and you’re getting ready to make it official. Before you do, there are two key questions and conversations you need to have with your partner to improve your chances of making it work. First, you need to have “the talk” regarding children. If one of you either can’t or won’t bring a new life into the world and the other has their heart set on raising kids, you may need to reevaluate your plans. That’s a deal-breaker for some people and you’re better off knowing about it now rather than later when a breakup will involve lawyers and plenty of hurt feelings.

Second, you should make sure you are on the same page in terms of your long-term living arrangements. It’s surprising how many young people don’t give this enough thought. If you have a job that will likely require you to make multiple jumps between employers, likely causing you to need to move far away, make sure your partner is okay with that. Some people simply can’t face the prospect of moving away from their family and friends, having to switch to occasional visits and long-distance relationships. It can add a lot of stress to the union during a time when there will likely already be plenty of stress to go around.

During the Wedding

This may sound obvious or overly simplistic, but when the big day arrives and you’re standing there preparing to exchange rings, listen to the vows you will both be asked to recite. And I mean, really listen. Don’t just mouth the words while looking forward to the reception and/or the honeymoon. Burn them into your brain and make sure you are confident that you mean them. And remember them always. They are more important than you can probably even imagine.

After the Wedding

Now for the practicalities. As soon as possible, open up a joint, interest-bearing savings account. If you received cash gifts at reception, use some of that to get it started. And then, put at least some money into that account every time you are paid or come into some unexpected good fortune. Treat those savings deposits the same as any monthly bills you pay. And once the money is in the bank, treat it as if it’s gone. Never touch it except in the case of the direst emergency. It will grow faster than you imagine, and when you are older and approaching retirement age, you will be SO grateful that you did it.

Never spend any significant amount of money (we set the limit at $75) or put any charges on a credit card without discussing it with your spouse first. Your joint finances should be an open book with each other. Financial stresses are some of the leading causes of marriages failing. If you make all of your decisions about money jointly, there will be no chance of assigning “blame” if things go sour for a while. And on the subject of credit cards, keeping credit card debt is the worst thing you can do. The interest rates are horrible and a large balance can quickly become an albatross around your neck. Most people still need a credit card for digital transactions (though debit cards are better), but pay that bill off when it comes each month at the same time that you make a deposit in your savings. If you are using credit cards to buy things that you don’t have enough money to afford, you are on the road to trouble.

Decide together early whether you plan to rent an apartment for a considerable number of years or if you want to work toward buying a home. (It’s not the right decision for everyone.) If you both want to go the homeownership route, take the time to learn about amortized loans and how they work. Hold off on buying and save as much as you possibly can to make the largest down payment possible. (NOT from your retirement savings.) The more you have up front, the better of an interest rate you are likely to get. Then put some extra money toward your mortgage each month for at least the first few years. Due to the nasty structure of an amortized loan, if you make the minimum mortgage payment each month, you won’t “own” more than a hundred dollars or so of your home after the first year. But extra payments in the early years can shorten the length of time you’ll be paying that mortgage by years. And make sure that it is clear to the lender that the extra money is to go to the principal. Our credit union once tried to apply money to a future payment instead. Watch your financial statements closely.

I realize it sounds like I’m generating all sorts of things that will drain your money, particularly when you are young and might be wanting to be out traveling or enjoying yourself. But these are investments you will be making in your future. And they will greatly increase the odds that you will be journeying through that future together.

FOREVER

With the money issues aside, there are a few more hard and fast rules if you want to stay with your new spouse into your golden years. First and perhaps most importantly of all, no matter how great the temptation may be someday or how tense the situation at home becomes at times, Never Ever Cheat On Your Spouse. You will never get away with it forever and the truth always comes out. Your spouse will never truly be able to forgive you even if they claim that they will. Imagine how you would feel if it happened to you. It’s one of the worst betrayals you could ever commit or experience. If you desire someone else that badly, step up like an adult and inform your spouse that the marriage is over and begin the process of separating. After that, you’re free to chase whomever you please. But before you say those words, stop and consider what it is that you would be giving up.

Practice self-awareness on a daily basis and catch yourself if you begin taking your spouse for granted. A simple kiss and saying “I love you” once per day goes a very long way. There hasn’t been one day in almost thirty years when my wife and I haven’t repeated the words. When he or she does something extra nice for you unexpectedly, don’t be afraid to say “thank you.” Part of feeling loved is feeling appreciated. It costs you nothing and will likely keep your union alive and vibrant.

And finally, make time to do things together as regularly as possible. Particularly if you are both employed, it can be all too easy to let the calendar fill up. If you can exercise together each day or at least go for a walk, you will be far less likely to drift apart emotionally. Ask if there is anything they would like to do together and try to be open to it even if it wouldn’t have been your first choice. Prioritizing your spouse’s needs and desires will (hopefully) spur them to prioritize yours as well. And yes, it’s okay to gently remind them from time to time if they don’t.

With all of that said, I wish you the best of luck. The best marriages have bad days sometimes, but you can work through those together as a team. And the good days more than make up for them. Pack your spouse’s life with good days and allow them the space to do the same for you. It will all be worth it in the end.