We all knew it was true, but the Vast Vegan Conspiracy and their willing partners in the media were never open enough to investigate the situation honestly. Alcohol is good for you. In fact, it’s proof positive that God loves us and wants us to be happy. But now, at long last, the scientific community is coming around to see the light.

KANSAS CITY, Missouri – Forget water or Gatorade. The drink of choice to rehydrate after a workout is beer.

Researchers at Granada University in Spain found beer can help retain liquid better than water alone. The results were published in the British newspaper The Telegraph.

The study involved a group of students. They were asked to work out until their body temperature reached 104 degrees.

Researchers then gave beer to half of the students and water to the other half.

Not only did the beer rehydrate the test subjects better, but the alcohol apparently served as a minor pain reliever for the aches and stresses of working out. Of course, even the eggheads running this promising study failed to see the forest for the trees, missing the one obvious solution to the entire conundrum. If you just didn’t work out in the first place and stayed on the couch drinking beer, you would require neither hydration or pain relief. But we’ll clearly have to be patient and bring these people around one step at a time.

There are still other groups being shut out in the cold, though, even with this breakthrough scientific work. Where are the studies showing how healthy martinis are? I mean, beer is okay and all, but some of us prefer a nice cocktail. And I’m living proof that several martinis per day result in a perpetual, Adonis like physique. I wonder if I can get a government grant for some work in that field?