Well, probably not kill you. But it turns out that they contain chemicals that are both bad for you and which have been the target of campaigns to ban them.

It turns out that paper straws contain harmful chemicals that are linked to all sorts of horrible health problems.

Paper drinking straws may be harmful and may not be better for the environment than plastic versions, researchers warn https://t.co/0twYtUskYy

— Steve Stewart-Williams (@SteveStuWill) August 25, 2023

Thank God.

Can we ban these instruments of the Devil? Paper straws are among the worst inventions of mankind. They fall somewhere in between chemical weapons and the Yugo.

“Eco-friendly” paper drinking straws contain long-lasting and potentially toxic chemicals, a new study has concluded.

In the first analysis of its kind in Europe, and only the second in the world, Belgian researchers tested 39 brands of straws for the group of synthetic chemicals known as poly- and perfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS).

PFAS were found in the majority of the straws tested and were most common in those made from paper and bamboo, found the study, published in Food Additives & Contaminants.

It’s hard to know how much we should worry about PFAS in our straws because apparently, these chemicals are basically everywhere now. They have proven to be incredibly useful, but as with many useful things they have proven to have a substantial downside. They have become something of a bete noire of the environmentalists, and they occasionally have a point. What makes them particularly worrisome is that they hang around in the environment for a very very long time (hence the nickname “forever chemicals”), and they are associated with some nasty health issues.

The once-respected CDC has a page on PFAS chemicals which, while not alarmist, points out that animal studies are worrisome.

How worried should we be? How the heck should I know?

On the other hand, since environmentalists are constantly lecturing us on the evils of plastic straws and pushing paper straws on us it is beyond ironic that they have been promoting a product that literally puts these chemicals into our drinks.

Even if PFAS chemicals only present a risk in high concentrations (and I don’t know) it seems insane to literally suck acidic liquids into our mouths on stomachs using instruments that leech them into the liquid.

Somebody should produce a leaflet with health warnings about paper straws so that we can hand them to any food vendor who makes us use these abominations.

Paper straws are the perfect symbol of environmental extremism. Straws make up next to none of the plastic pollution we need to worry about, and they work nearly perfectly. Paper straws are useless and now, apparently, dangerous. They are a serious downgrade in every way, and the only reason they are pushed on us is to force us to make a sacrifice to Gaia.

I love Gaia as much as the next guy. But not enough to use paper straws.