Are you a pudgy guy with a dad bod?

You’d better feel bad about it, or you are culturally appropriating a self-esteem fad intended to only help Black women.

As somebody who lives with something a bit less fit than a dad bod, I already feel bad about my body size and shape, so I am in the clear. But those of you who are less than totally fit but still are willing to play shirts and skins on the field at a family picnic, you’d better check your privilege.

I learned this lesson from a magazine aimed at Black women that combines fashion insight and a commitment to promoting justice.

I am a bit more skeptical than they are that fashion has the power to spark meaningful conversations on justice or the opposite. And I think this article is a good case in point.

The author for some reason chose to remain anonymous, in much the same way the whistleblower who was leading the resistance in the Trump Administration did when he blew the whistle for the New York Times. Deep, dark secrets should be spilled this way.

Or, perhaps, the author just didn’t want to have to defend her ridiculous piece.

I was stunned to see that being a fat guy is indicative of laziness, given how being a fat woman is a beautiful expression of her womanhood and is totally and completely healthy. But as a member of the patriarchy, I suppose I should have guessed since we run everything in reality.

But men and women are different I guess. Although one wonders if changing pronouns would change things.

In a world that is constantly telling us to be thinner, it can be hard to love our bodies just the way they are. But what if we stopped seeing our so-called flaws as imperfections and started viewing them as unique features that make us who we are?

That’s the body positive movement in a nutshell. And while it has been gaining traction in recent years, there’s one group of people who seem to have latched onto the concept with suspicious amounts of fervor: middle-aged white guys with dad bods. There’s even media campaigns catering to them with headlines like “Dad bods are the biggest turn-on for singles in the pandemic sex era” and “Why Girls Love The Dad Bod.” You’ve definitely seen a bunch of these.

If you’re a white guy thinking you should “just embrace” your belly fat and jump on the dad bod positivity bandwagon, this article is for you. You need to understand that you are not the target audience for body positivity. This isn’t about you guys; it’s about us women.

Of course, everybody knew this all along. Body positivity has everything to do with promoting the self-esteem of people who are deeply unhappy with themselves–a good thing–while excusing all the behaviors that cause them to hate themselves.

Women who are fat are merely unique; men who get fat are lazy and should hit the gym.

And, of course, body positivity is really about destroying White culture, anyway.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that people are starting to accept themselves for who they are instead of succumbing to societal pressure (although let’s be real, most dad bods probably wouldn’t even consider going shirtless at the beach). But at its core, body positivity isn’t about looking “hot” — it’s about challenging the Western world’s patriarchal beauty standards, and that challenge by definition has to exclude white guys to stay authentic to women culture.

Uh, What? Wouldn’t my celebrating my own fatness also challenge the Western world’s “patriarchal beauty standards?” I, too, am violating those standards, so what is the harm? Doesn’t being fat make me an ally or something?

No, of course not. Because anything a White man does is a bad thing. By definition. So if White guys start celebrating their fatness then Black women might have to get thin or something…the whole point is destroying what is thought to be good, don’t you see?

Also, I can’t help but feel like this trend is the usual suspects culturally appropriating something that was never meant for them in the first place. The body positivity movement was created by women — specifically Black women — as a brilliantly sassy yet empathetic response to the unrealistic standards of beauty imposed on us by Western culture. It wasn’t designed for privileged white males who already conform to their own traditional ideas of masculinity (duh); it was meant for those of us who often feel invisible and unworthy because we don’t fit into patriarchy’s white supremacist definition of beauty.

I honestly love this, in a perverse way. It is so ridiculous, over the top, and stereotypical of the SJW types that it could be a Saturday Night Live skit a few years back.

So to the dads out there flaunting their newfound (read: stolen) body confidence: if you have a dad bod, it’s time to hit the gym. It’s good for you — and we’ll appreciate you more. This movement isn’t for you and you need to stay in your own lane.