Really? As sleazy as her actions were, it’s a first offense and a nonviolent crime. They’re not sending Aunt Becky to the joint for that, c’mon.

I mean, I hope they are. It’d be a satisfying populist outcome. It’s just hard to believe. America doesn’t punish white-collar crime! And America really doesn’t punish celebrities. Right, Jussie?

From “Full House” to the big house?

Lori Loughlin and her husband are in a way worse position than Felicity Huffman … because the huge amount they allegedly paid in bribes to get their daughters into USC could land them in prison for 2 YEARS MINIMUM … TMZ has learned.

Sources connected to the case tell us … all of the parents in the college cheating scandal have been offered plea deals, but prosecutors will only accept pleas with prison time attached…

Our sources say prosecutors have given all defendants an ultimatum … reach a plea deal QUICKLY or else they will go to a Federal Grand Jury and add charges, including money laundering, which significantly raises the low end of prison time.

Imagine the size of the online audience when Olivia Jade livestreams a Very Special Episode of her YouTube series from the prison visitation room, with her mom on the other side of the glass.

Assuming Olivia doesn’t end up in prison too, I mean.

If you’re wondering why the Giannullis are staring at two years or more while Felicity Huffman is looking at about four months, TMZ claims it’s a matter of simple math. Loughlin allegedly paid a much heftier bribe ($500,000) than Huffman did ($15,000). Although given how spectacularly this episode has blown up in her and her family’s faces, it almost seems perverse to punish her more rather than less based on how much she shelled out. She and her kids are national laughingstocks; their careers have momentarily collapsed; they’ve become the poster children for shabby elite entitlement and America’s sham meritocracy; and they’re out half a million dollars instead of just 15 grand.

I’d be willing to accept 50 hours of community service in which she has to wear a sandwich board on Sunset Boulevard reading, “I’m Aunt Becky And I Rigged The System. Ask Me Anything.” She can sign autographs if she likes.

By the way, amid all the legal news, Olivia Jade’s quest to follow Kylie Jenner by becoming a teen billionaire off her own cosmetics line is back on track. When the smoke clears and mom gets paroled, the only enduring consequence of this fiasco will be that the family is 50 times more famous than it used to be and much, much richer. Crime does pay. It just doesn’t always pay with diplomas.

Exit question: Do they have prison gangs in minimum-security facilities?

Update: Hoo boy. Looks like the plea negotiations aren’t going well. Lock! Her! Up!

BREAKING: Lori Loughlin and 15 other parents charged in second superseding indictment with "conspiring to commit fraud and money laundering." https://t.co/hIZenLkwrA pic.twitter.com/thnCjpRpD2

— Evan McMurry (@evanmcmurry) April 9, 2019