To cleanse the palate, I never wanted an AR-15 but now that I know I can attach a chainsaw bayonet to it, I can’t lie. I’m sort of motivated.

Here’s what happens when an otherwise sober newspaper taking an otherwise sober look at modifications used to make a semiautomatic rifle more lethal decides to get crazy with the gun-control Cheez Whiz.

A look at the gun used in the Texas church shooting. https://t.co/xdxIf5fR77 pic.twitter.com/sUY1mCCLZC

— USA TODAY (@USATODAY) November 8, 2017

They’ve since clarified that the degenerate who shot churchgoers in Sutherland Springs did not in fact use a chainsaw bayonet himself. There’s probably a good reason for that, says gun expert Stephen Gutowski. They don’t exist, or at least not in a commercially available form. To get one you’ll need to either make your own or boot up “Gears of War.” Which is too bad, as they’re the perfect weapon for fighting Antifa super-soldiers. Or defending yourself from a gang of armed lumber thieves when you’re out sawing down trees.

USA Today’s flight of fancy has of course inspired gun owners to suggest their own hyper-lethal modifications. Ben Shapiro’s been collecting the best ones. This gun is dangerous…

H/T to @Kaitain_FL for putting together this masterful reproduction of my patented rifle with rifle bayonet with rifle bayonet cc: @USATODAY pic.twitter.com/c1pZtZ9z2G

— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) November 8, 2017

…but this, I think, is the ultimate weapon:

H/T @LisaDeP, who sends the most terrifying iteration of a rifle modification yet pic.twitter.com/lUZYzhV5jz

— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) November 8, 2017

I’d support legislation not only legalizing chainsaw bayonets but making them mandatory. After all:

You all laugh now but when the time comes, there's only one thing that can stop a bad guy with a chainsaw bayonet pic.twitter.com/2HpJNMjauM

— Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) November 8, 2017

Twitchy is compiling other parodies. In all seriousness, how has no one mass-produced this yet? We have bump stocks but not a modification tailor-made for a zombie apocalypse? Make the gun industry great again.

Update: Via John Sexton, good lord. It exists!